Need You Now
by wild-angel82
Summary: No matter what happens, they will always need each other. JJ/Emily femslash.


Title: Need You Now

Summary: No matter what happens, they will always need each other. JJ/Emily femslash.

Rating: PG-13/T

Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Criminal Minds. I wish I did, though.

A/N: I know it's already been done and the song seems like such a cliché, but I couldn't help myself and had to produce my own take on it. The song is "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum and it's been bugging me ever since I got their new album a couple of weeks ago.

A/N 2: The story changes POVs, but I believe it's easy enough to figure out what's what :)

**Need You Now**

_**Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor**_

_**Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore**_

_**And I wonder if I ever cross your mind**_

_**For me it happens all the time**_

"_One day I'm gonna take you to Italy." She whispers as she pulls you closer and kisses the top of your head with so much affection that it makes you shiver._

"_Yeah?" You smile as you snuggle close to her, resting your head on her chest. You can feel her hand stroking your hair and you almost have to hold your breath, because you had no idea such simple action could give you so much pleasure._

"_Yeah." She replies. "It's so beautiful there. I've seen so many wonderful places when I lived there and I would love to show you some of them. So maybe someday we could go."_

"_Maybe." You smile and grin imaging the two of you making love on a beautiful beach in Tuscany. "Maybe someday we could." You agree as you breathe in her scent and can't help but feel that going to Tuscany together is a beautiful dream, but not all dreams come true unfortunately. You feel like deep down she knows this too, but you allow yourself to dream, even if just for one night. _

As you lie awake in bed, looking at the door to your bedroom that he has closed a couple of minutes ago, you can't help feeling that this isn't the way it's supposed to be, that nothing is the way it's supposed to be. Because you're not in love with him, he doesn't make your heart race, he doesn't make you weak with one touch, he doesn't read your mind just by glancing at you, he doesn't make your breathing stop with just one look. And he doesn't look at you like you're the most amazing thing ever.

There is only one person in the world who could do that. Only one person who could see the real you, the only person you allowed to see the real you, because you knew that they would love the real you anyway. The real you with all the imperfections, fears and anxieties. Some of them totally irrational, yet _she_ always seemed to understand them, _she _never told you that you were crazy or that you were blowing things out of proportion or that you were imagining things. She never told you that you should just get over your fear of dogs. She always understood, she always knew what you are about, always knew what you needed to feel whole. Because she made you whole.

But you let her go. You let her go, because it scared you to death how she made you feel. You never really defined what you had. You don't know if it was love, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But you know it wasn't just lust and desire, because as loud as you always screamed her name when you had sex, the connection was so much more than just sexual. You connected on so many levels, that you can't even imagine that you could have such strong connection with anyone. But you did. Yours and Emily's was a marriage of souls and hearts and you destroyed it, because you couldn't comprehend how it was possible to have such strong and overwhelming feelings for someone.

So you let her go in the most cowardly way ever. You just stopped sleeping in her bed and started sleeping in his. Since you never really defined what it was between the two of you, you never really told her face to face that it was over. But she got the idea when you stopped showing up begging her to make you forget the world. Which is something he could never do for you. He could never make you forget the world. Nor could he make you see how beautiful the world is. Yet you stopped sleeping in her bed and started sleeping in his.

You realized your mistake soon, the first time you had to force yourself to scream his name when really you wanted to scream hers. The first time he took you for a romantic weekend to Vermont and the entire time all you could think about was how wonderful it would be to be there with her. The first time he told you he loved you and you wanted to say _I love Emily_. But by the time you realized that, it was too late and you couldn't take back what you had done. So you continued sleeping in his bed instead of hers.

_**It's a quarter after one **_

_**I'm all alone**_

_**And I need you now**_

_**Said I wouldn't call**_

_**But I've lost all control**_

_**And I need you now**_

_**And I don't know how I can do without**_

_**I just need you now**_

You look around your bedroom and you feel like the walls are closing in on you. It's dark and cold and your bed is empty and you can't help feeling empty as well. You miss emotions, you miss feelings, you miss your heart beating faster. You miss everything that you haven't felt for such a long time. All the things that only she could make you feel.

You miss her touch, her hand in your hair, her hand stroking your cheek, her arms around you, her hair in your face. You miss the way she would look at you after you've made love, like every time was better than the last. Like she couldn't believe the way you made her feel. And you miss the way she could always tell what was on your mind, the way she could always see your deepest secrets without even trying, the way she always knew what you were going to say before you said or even thought it. You miss the way she would take your hand when no one else was looking, the way she would pull you inside her apartment every time you showed up at her doorstep. The way she held you in the aftermath of making love, even though she knew you were going to leave before the morning came.

You can't believe you let go of the only thing that has ever made you happy. You hate yourself for being so weak, for getting scared, but most of all, you hate yourself for hurting the only person who could ever make you feel alive. The only person you needed to feel sane in this crazy world. The only person who you still need so desperately to make you feel again. And the only person you know you will never have again.

_**Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door**_

_**Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before**_

_**And I wonder if I ever cross your mind**_

_**For me it happens all the time**_

You look at the empty glass in front of you and you can't believe that for the umpteenth time you were stupid enough to believe that drinking yourself into oblivion was going to help. That poisoning your brain with alcohol was going to make you forget about her. That the pain was somehow going to get weaker as you get more and more intoxicated. But you should have known better. You should have known that no amount of alcohol could ever make the pain go away. No amount of alcohol would make you forget Jennifer Jareau.

"_What are you doing here?" You ask as you open the door to see her at your doorstep. It's the middle of the night and she looks tired and you worry that something has happened. But when you look into her eyes, you know it's not the case._

"_I need you, Emily." She whispers and before you know it her lips are on yours and her hands wander up your blouse, as if she knows she doesn't even have to ask permission. Because she's so fucking confident that you want her too, and if you didn't want her so damn much, it would almost make you mad that she dares assume. But she assumes right and before either of you speak again, you've made your way into your bedroom and you're almost completely naked, falling onto the bed, holding onto each other like there's no tomorrow. Soon after, as you scream her name in ecstasy, you want that moment to last forever, because you think it's the last time she's going to make you feel this way._

"_Thank you." She tells you when you're done and she's lying in your arms, fearing the moment she is going to have to leave. It sounds like she's thanking you for sex, but you know it's a little more than just that. Or at least you hope it is. _

You can't even count the times that she had shown up at your doorstep after that, sometimes drunk and sometimes sober, and asked you to make her feel. And you never asked why and you're not sure you even wanted to know, you just always let her into your apartment and into your bed. And you made her feel, that you know you did. And she made you feel things you never thought possible. She showed you passion that you'd never known before, the kind of passion you never thought existed.

The only problem with those visits was that with every encounter, with every few hours of the night spent together, you kept falling more and more in love with her. It didn't take you long to realize that, but you never told her, because you knew she wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready for love, she wasn't ready for a relationship. You know she felt something for you, she must have, and you know it was strong and you know she was terrified of the way you made her feel. So you never pushed her, you never talked about love and whenever you made plans for the future, you knew that they might only be dreams. But you let yourself dream, because for those few moments you would hold her in your arms, life was perfect.

"_You smell like spring." You tell her as you pull her close, trying to breathe in as much of her as possible._

"_How does spring smell?" She laughs at the comparison._

"_I don't really know." You whisper. "But you smell like it." You tell her and you realize that this conversation is a perfect reflection of the way you feel about her. You can't really define it, you can't put a label on it, it's confusing and complicated… And you wanna call it love, and you know that to some extent it is, but you feel like even love is too small of a word to describe what you feel for her. _

"_I love…" she starts and for a split second you think that maybe she is finally going to say it. But you're stupid to hope for that. "I love being in your arms." She finishes and you know that to some extent it might be her way of telling you that she loves you. _

So as you look at the door in your cold and empty apartment, you pray and wish to hear a doorbell and see her on the other side of the door. But you know she's not going to come, because she's sleeping in someone else's bed now. And for a moment you keep thinking that maybe if you'd told her you loved her, she wouldn't have gone to him. But then again, even if you didn't say it, you know she must have felt it. So maybe that was why she left… You no longer know why she left and honestly it's not like it would make any difference if you did. Because it doesn't matter why she stopped sleeping in your bed, it matters that she no longer comes to you for comfort and you feel emptiness like you've never known before.

_**It's a quarter after one **_

_**I'm a little drunk**_

_**And I need you now**_

_**Said I wouldn't call**_

_**But I've lost all control**_

_**And I need you now**_

_**And I don't know how I can do without**_

_**I just need you now**_

Sometimes it truly astonishes you how fast she had managed to make you need her so much. You know now that you got addicted to her. You needed her, you wanted her, and every night that she wouldn't come was pure torture. You never knew why some nights she needed you and others she didn't, you never questioned it, you just welcomed her with open arms every time she would show up. The first couple of times you asked her what was wrong, but she never gave you an answer, so you stopped asking. And after a while you realized that nothing really had to be wrong. She just came to you and you couldn't resist her, no matter how much it hurt you to see her leave still in the middle of the night every time.

And every time she closed the door behind her, you were left alone in your bed, with the sheets still smelling like her and her kisses still lingering on your body. And every time you wished that she would stay. But she never did.

And then she just stopped coming and you soon realized that it was because she now had someone else to keep her warm at night. And every time you see her with him, you wonder if he makes her feel what you know you made her feel. Or if she looks at him the way she used to look at you, with the look that you wanted to believe was reserved just for you. The look you would give almost anything to see again. Because now your sheets don't smell like her anymore, even though the smell is still so vivid in your memory. So are the kisses she would shower you with, her hands on your naked body, her blonde hair on your pillow… You never really realized how much you needed all this until she decided to give it to someone else.

_**Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all**_

But as much as it hurts to remember things you know you will never have again, you're glad you still have the memories. _It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all _is such a cliché, yet you can't help but feel exactly that. No matter how much it kills you to be without her now, no matter how much it kills you to imagine her with him, at least you know that she was once yours. You know that at some point in her life, _you_ were the one who made her feel safe and _yours_ was the name on her lips as she collapsed exhausted onto the pillow.

_**It's a quarter after one **_

_**I'm all alone**_

_**And I need you now**_

You never realized how much you needed Emily until you made the decision to replace her with someone who everyone told you was such a wonderful fit for you. And so after a while you started to believe it yourself. At least you wanted to believe it. Except that if he was such a great fit for you, why did he not make you feel the things you so desperately wanted to feel? Why didn't you shiver every time he touched you? Why didn't he make your heart race when you were in his arms? You never understood why someone supposedly so good for you never made you insane, never made you feel like you were losing your ground… You never understood why you had to close your eyes every time you had sex. Or maybe you did. Maybe you did that, because you knew that he wouldn't be able to look at you the way she did or because you didn't want to look at anyone else but her as you climaxed. Because with him it was just sex. A few minutes of pleasure and that was that. And even when he held you afterwards, it wasn't the same. With her it was so much more than just sex. And even though she had the ability to make you cum almost instantly, the pleasure lasted so much longer. The way she looked at you, the way she brushed your hair off your face, the way she kissed you, the way she held onto you afterwards – those are the things that made being with her perfect.

And you never refused to look _her_ in the eye as she brought you over the edge.

_**And I said I wouldn't call, **_

_**But I'm a little drunk**_

_**And I need you now**_

As you hug a cold pillow and pull it close to your chest, you realize how wrong it is that your hand is not tangled into her blonde hair. That she's not here. Because you know it's where she's supposed to be and you don't know why she chose someone else's bed over yours. You don't understand why she chose someone else's arms over yours. Because you know that you and her together was magic, it was right, and it was perfect in its own way. And you know she felt it too, you know it. It's not just wishful thinking and you could see it in her eyes every time she stood at your doorstep asking to be let in. You could see it and you don't know why she suddenly stopped treating you like her refuge. Because you liked that role, you liked being the one to save her from whatever she needed saving from.

_**And I don't know how I can do without**_

_**I just need you now**_

And then you hear a doorbell. And when you open the door, you realize that the alcohol must have finally gotten the best of you. You must be hallucinating or dreaming, because you couldn't possibly be seeing what you're seeing.

"I need you." She whispers through tears and just like the first time, before you know it, she crashes her lips onto yours. And as much as you wanna hate her for having the audacity to come to you like this after she spent months sleeping in _his _bed, you just can't. You can't hate her. You want to tell her to go to hell, to go back to _him_, but you can't, because her tongue is in your mouth and her fingers are tangled in your hair and you know that you're losing control. And you know that you need her just as much as she needs you. And even if it's just for one night, you need to let yourself remember what it's like to be with someone who makes you complete. And if she leaves during the night again and goes back to him, you know you're going to break, but for the next few hours, you just need her to be yours again.

_**I just need you now**_

_**Oh baby I need you now**_


End file.
